Isn't it Ironic...

As I sat in class today, finishing the in-class essay that I'd been preparing for the past week, a song came in mind. This doesn't often happen to me, especially in class, but today it was very appropriate. I was writing an essay on the allegory of "The Lady of Shalott." The poem depicts a young lady who is alone in a tower, on an island, overlooking a "highway" which leads to Camelot. She sings day in and day out and she's a mystery to the reapers and the travelers on the highway. She weaves her tapestry all the time, and looks at the shadows of the town through her mirror that she uses to weave. Lancelot, a handsome prince, rode along the highway and caught her attention. This was the last straw. She had to leave the tower, which activated the curse. She laid in a boat, with "Lady of Shalott" written on the side, and as she floated to the shore where the admirers would find her in the boat, she sang her song and died silently.

The allegory of the poem says that she is the artist who lets the distractions seduce her away from her work and she (along with her creative spirit) dies. The world doesn't care; artists are easy to come by. She let the distractions of the world take her away from the thing that was most important in her life, and it killed her.

Now, the meaning that I got from this poem is even non-artists can be affected by distractions of the everyday life. The people of the 1800's (Victorian Age) faced a booming society, the industrial age in Europe. The hustle and bustle of everyday life was becoming more and more like the insanity that most people face today. I know that I have personally let the distractions of everyday life come between me and the things that I love.

A lady at church once told me something that I already knew was true. She said that I must make time for myself because nobody else is required to. To grow to be healthy and wise, you must make time for yourself and get away from all of the distractions that you face on a regular basis.

My loves: learning, being with friends, sitting outside, watching animals (squirrels and birds), being with loved ones, being in nature, closing my eyes and feeling the sunshine on my face, riding down the old dirt road with the windows down and the music turned up high, taking a mid-day nap, snuggling with my teddy bear, enjoying the things that I learn in class, and simply relaxing, enjoying the here and the now and the people who are around me and the present. I enjoy reading and having conversations over a cup of coffee.

My distractions: the need to pound 5 tons of information into my brain that can only comfortably hold 5 pounds of information, being angry with those around me, frustration with stupid things, and looking at the future and the past rather than the here and the now.

Isn't it ironic that the same thing that is distracting me (the paper I was writing) is the same thing that made me come to this conclusion?

I believe that we all get caught up with the distractions in life, and that's why we all love to have new beginnings. We all enjoy a fresh start at the new year. At the beginning of the year I listed my new years resolutions, and while I'm "sort-of" keeping my word, I'm not doing everything that I can to accomplish these things. I know I'm a bit of a work-a-holic, but I know what I need to do to make things better for my future. Unfortunately, I also know that I'm deceiving myself when I make this excuse since I know that's one of my primary distractions in life.

What's the solution? I know it's extremely silly to have to "pencil-in" time for myself on my schedule that I make for myself everyday, but I'm afraid that's what it's going to have to come down to.

Here's my fresh start.... when's the next one? We will see....

One Moment in Time..

There are moments in our lives that are totally indescribable.  Those times that we completely let ourselves go and we concentrate fully on God are quite possibly one of the more meaningful ones.  I sat on my bed singing along to my freshly acquired worship songs for no more than 20 minutes, crying harder than I've ever cried before.  I was thinking about Kim and myself standing in church singing (we use many of the same songs in my church) and for no reason, the tears began flowing.  I don't know why or how, but I looked up at my ceiling, but my ceiling was not there.  I saw a light (not just because I have new light bulbs either!).   I didn't know or care about anything that was going on around me.  Normally I would reach around for a pillow and bury my face in it, but this time it was okay to cry.  It was just me and God.  I cried and put my head on my own shoulder.  I asked God to just tell me what to do.  I don't have horrible problems in my life right now or anything, but I do have issues with priorities and following the right path.  

Now, when people have these experiences, they always have some incredible revelation.  Mine is no different in that respect.  I realized that I have bigger things to worry about.  I realized the importance of slowing down.  The fact of the matter is that I'm not doing the right things in my life.  For a few weeks I've felt like I'm getting a brand new start.  

My new years eve was the best I've had in years.  I wasn't out on the town bar hopping and being wild.  Heck, I didn't even drink any champaign!  It was that day that I met Kim for lunch and right after lunch he asked that I come play board games with his family (grandmother, aunt, uncle, cousin, mom, and little sister).  Kim says that he is selective about who he brings home to meet his family.  We spent hours playing cards and I lost miserably.  I think they got some sort of sick pleasure out of defeating me. (haha). 

Last semester was an awful 15 weeks that never should have happened. This semester began with a load of great momentum on my part and an enthusiasm for learning.  I am really very excited to learn and make my way closer to my chosen career. :)

Tonight's happenings are just the icing on the cake.  I strive to get to know God, and with Lent approaching, I will be getting baptized. 

A new feeling for the new year

I've never felt this way before. 

I don't know what to do with myself. 

I can't get him out of my head. 

I always want to be around him. 

I feel like a 15 year old with her first crush.

What do I do?

He's wonderful. 

Selfish

Selfish

Am I Selfish?

I haven't had an easy life, why should you?

Should I feel sorry for you because of your situation?

Should I not be upset?

Why force me into something I don't want?

Why do you always have to have it your way?

Don't you ever think about anyone else's feelings?

Is your situation more important than the rest of the world?

Do you call me cause you're really concerned about me?

Are you just trying to get me on your "side"?

I do care about my own mental health.

There's only so much that I can do for you. 

I can't always be there when you cry. 

My sleeve can only hold so many tears, and I can only shed so many myself. 

There are only so many times that I can be misled and lied to. 

I can't drive hours just to be a small part of your life.

I can't be a big part of your life from hours away. 

I can't be accused of causing your divorce for the rest of my life. 

I've done what I could from here.

I can't be forced to go out of my way just to make your life easier.

I am Selfish. 

New Years Resolutions

1. God: Give him everything He deserves. Study his Word and don’t rush it:

enjoy it. Learning him is a journey, not a race. Make church a large part of your life.



2. Breathe: Don’t sweat the small stuff. Enjoy life and cut out the stress. Slow down and quit watching life in the rear-view.



3. Friends/Family: Don’t take people for granted. Give them all the credit they deserve and cherish every moment with them.



4. Health: Pay attention to internal, external, and spiritual health.



5. Education: Stay organized and do your best every day with every lesson that is put in front of you. Give it your ALL!! Treat each course and lesson equally and set aside study time EVERY day. Enjoy it and get as much out of it as you can.



6. Stick with it!: See things through. Make goals and don’t give up!

Are you my boyfriend now?

Today, beginning a relationship is more confusing than ever.  In the good old days there was the question "Do you want to go steady?"   I'm not sure why, but there's usually some sort of grey area between friends and "dating."    I don't like grey areas in any part of my life, so it's an extra annoyance when a man is too shy to ask me if I want to be his girlfriend... or even ask me if I want to go on a date.   

Why do girls always feel like they have to be on their toes when around a boy?  When I was in high school, the girls were always sooo shy about just calling a boy... It makes me wonder what they're like on a date!   I've always been able to let loose around anyone: boy or girl.  If they like me for me, then wonderful... If not, oh well!  One of my best friends in high school literally looked at her phone for 20 minutes waiting for a boy to call.  Not just any boy, though.  They had been dating for a few months.  JUST CALL THE BOY!!!

Soo... want to go steady? :)

.e.

Chirstmas- Am I turning a pretty shade of green?

Christmas is said to be a time of magic and miracles.  Wonderful things happen: snow, reunions, advent, and life.  While the "reason for the season" may vary from person to person, belief to belief, family to family, the season's message is clear.  It is a time of being with family and friends, doing right, celebrating life, and showing love towards others. 

Each year, I see the holidays become more and more commercialized.  This is the first year that I have come face to face with the commercialism.  It turned me into a grinch by December 1.  It's really quite sad that people only buy gifts to avoid being judged.  Children are raised to believe that this is what Christmas is all about!  They only get get get and never give give give! 

I've gotten where I cannot stand the sound of the carols, the stupid bell that's being rung outside of every store, and the TRAFFIC that surrounds every mall in the country!!  It all just makes me so sick!   

There was a time that my family could not afford a Christmas tree.  Now I know of families that have MULTIPLE christmas trees.  I've never heard of such madness!  It's really very sad that people buy $600 worth of Christmas DECORATIONS rather than donating that money (or even the decorations) to charities.   

I really would not mind the holidays so much if not for the disgusting commercialism that has emerged.  

.e.